An Update on Sri Bhagava Brachmacharya

“I am this, and I am very much more." – Sri Bhagava Brachmacharya

As many of you know from my 2020 blog post, when I was 18, I left my job at Wilhelm's Wunderbares Deli und Danceteria in Germantown, New Jersey to seek my destiny.

In the heavily guarded compound 11 oxcart hours outside of Mumbai, Bhagava Brachmacharya, Yogi and Mystic (“Bhagi”), introduced me to a universe I hadn't known existed: a world scented not by kielbasa, petroleum refineries, and existential angst, but by night blooming jasmine, monkey scat, and enlightenment. To the sounds of his first album, Moonlight and Mango Lassi—which played on a continuous loop over the compound's loudspeakers—I shed my legwarmers and inhibitions and emerged as a full-fledged devotee of Bhagi. My days were spent in blissful anticipation of my guru's needs, and the shiv-making skills I'd learned as a child in New Jersey came in handy as I competed with the other devotees to clip my guru's toenails and hold his ear candles.

You will recall my joy when Bhagi, after several decades of Interpol harassment and cosmetic surgeries, came to the United States. Despite his new Romanesque nose and cleft chin, I knew my guru instantly when we met at the Paradise Lodge in Reno, and again at Roadside Sally's Desert Lodge & Wrestle-O-Rama in Carson City. Our ecstatic reunions occurred against the backdrop of the surrealist masterpiece Un Chien Andalou playing on the VCR, and I am happy to say that my guru had lost neither his unique body odor nor his flexibility. I know that those of you who were fortunate enough to take a class with Bhagi during his time in the Northern Neck will recall with fondness the pervasive tangy aroma that lingered long after Bhagi finished dictating emails in perfect Ardha Pincha Mayurasana (Half Peacock Feather Pose) while his Thai scribe, Aroy, perched atop his buttocks.

Bhagi sends his regards to all who welcomed him into their guest rooms during his time here. Because of the ongoing Department of the Treasury investigation, he is unable to return to Virginia, but as befits his state of unattachment, has made himself content with thrice-weekly Tito's deliveries and the view of the water from his king-sized bed. He wishes for nothing, other than more attentive housekeeping and speedier room service.

As for Bhagi’s product lines, I am pleased to report that Bhagi Brand Yoga Wear™ has had a very profitable first quarter, despite continuing economic headwinds and a federal RICO charge. Sales of Bhagi Body Wash™ and the latest addition to the Bhagi Brand Beauty Line™, Sacred Lotus Scrotum Firming Cream™, remain strong. Those of you who responded to my fundraising efforts on behalf of the Bhagava Brachmacharya Foundation for Retired Rickshaw Drivers should have already received your 8 x 10 glossy of Bhagi napping in perfect Eka Pada Koundinyasana, (Flying Split Pose), in lieu of a tax receipt. We hope to have official 501c3 status as soon as a few legal items have been cleared up.

A big thanks to all of you who contributed to Bhagi's Diwali present. I still believe that, were it not for the pervasive slick of Bhagi Body Oil™ on the marble floor of the penthouse, a Roomba would have been a gift worthy of my guru. However, after Aroy soaked the device in Bhagi Brand Booty Sweat Mat Cleanser™, and Body Oil Solvent™, the Roomba departed this astral plane and has been reincarnated as a Go Fund Me for a Wisdom Audio Infinite Wisdom Grande Sound System (retail price $700,000) so that Moonlight and Mango Lassi might be played at a volume exceeding the feces-flinging shrieks of Balveer Bandhu, Bhagi's faithful lion-tailed macaque.

I am sad to say that Balveer's tantrums have become something of a problem, due to his despair over the deportation of his primary Flea Dipper/Beard Stylist, Vijay Vibteetaka. While we miss our beloved "Taki," Bhagi has received over three hundred applications for Taki's position on Craigslist, including many from top graduates of both the Vidal Sassoon Academy and the United States Military Academy. Balveer is currently reviewing the applicants' photos and will indicate his favorites by urinating on their images. In the meantime, if you know of anyone with extensive beard-styling and flea-extermination experience, please send their contact info to me.

And now for some exciting news!! If I am able to secure a new passport for him in Tijuana, Bhagi has agreed to lead a workshop at our 2024 Yoga Retreat in Spain!! The working title is: "The Modern Guru's Guide to Social Media and Offshore Banking."* I know you are excited as I am about this class, and I will open the waiting list as soon as possible. Until then, please know that you remain in Bhagi's thoughts and on his Go Fund Me solicitation list. As before, my guru has generously shared his wisdom in a new Yogi of the Month Q & A, which you may find here.

*clothing optional

This post and the posts linked below were written by Corey Stewart: novelist, beer descriptions writer and expert on all things Half Moon Pose.