Help!

“The ecstasy of a man lies in giving. The ecstasy of a woman lies in receiving.’” ― Lebo Grand

I thought this provocative quote might get your attention! 😊

As many of my friends can tell you, defining behavior through gender (or other) stereotypes triggers me. This quote definitely did. However, I believe there’s some truth to it. But more on that later…

For now, I give you Fred Rogers…

Mr. Rogers’ famous meme is comforting. Helpers are everywhere. You don’t even have to look for them. I bet you’re one of them. So comforting.

But what about the reverse? How many people do you know that are comfortable with receiving help? Are you?

I am, but for the most part only when it’s reciprocal or transactional. I’ll gladly pay my doctors, lawyers, lawn service and yoga teachers. (Well, maybe not lawyers...) I’m not as comfortable receiving help from friends or family, and when I do receive help, I always feel the need to give something in return, even if that just means paying it forward.

From babyhood on, we want to do things ourselves. We want to feed ourselves, dress ourselves, read ourselves, drive ourselves… It’s a survival instinct.

But it’s also crucial to our survival to receive help. When our kids graduated from college and were looking to launch careers, Burke and I connected them with people who could (and really wanted) to help them. For the most part, our kids rejected that help. Maybe they thought that accepting these offers of help was a sign of weakness, the antithesis of their “I can dress myself” instinct.

But accepting help is actually a sign of strength. It empowers both the receiver and the helper.

I often deflect compliments by immediately turning the compliment around and praising the complimenter. Sometimes I reject the compliment entirely: “Oh, anyone could do that. It’s not a big deal.” But how does either response make the complimenter feel?

Sally Kempton, meditation teacher and author wrote, “Any teacher knows that, without a receptive student, he can’t really teach. A friend can’t share intimacy with you if you’re not able to be present for it. Even a philanthropist needs an appropriate receiver for her wealth. Whatever gift you want to give is essentially fruitless—like a seed that doesn’t germinate and sprout—when it’s not fully received, and you can sense this, even on a very subtle level. You might wonder if there was something wrong with your gift. You might feel frustrated or hurt.”

The people who genuinely wanted to help my kids were disappointed that their offers weren’t accepted. There were no strings attached to their offers; they just wanted to help. It made them feel good to empower others. The people who pay us compliments genuinely want to express praise. By deflecting or rejecting their compliments, we to some degree reject them.

Back to gender stereotypes: This is a broad statement and certainly not always the case, but most of the men I know are less inclined to accept help than women are (e.g., asking for directions). I’ve also noticed that men feel especially empowered when they can be of help. I’ve come to acknowledge this over the years and enjoy honoring their need to do so. It makes me feel good to accept their help and to empower them by doing so (as long as there are no strings attached). I still reject the absolutism of my opening quote, but I will continue to practice receiving from anyone who genuinely wants to give.